i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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