New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize