whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
