my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
