Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
