Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
