Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just invented taco cereal.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't deserve a penis
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
