I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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