Someone shit on the floor
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
