Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
