WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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