Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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