I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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