You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
