The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
