Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
