Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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