I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
