you would pick up someone in the library
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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