Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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