So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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