I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
