If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Houston, we have a blender
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
