How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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