youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
4 words: hood of his car
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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