i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm too high and old for this...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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