that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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