He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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