My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
