I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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