Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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