how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
