i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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