new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
