Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
