By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
