My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Damn victory sex feels great
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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