dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
