I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
