I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
