I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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