i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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