do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
