Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
