guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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