i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
