You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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