They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize