oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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