so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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