i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
