I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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