Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
