somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
