Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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