A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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