I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
